keeping it real

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;

He will lead them to springs of living water.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:17

One of my favorite bloggers will occasionally post pictures of the huge pile of laundry on her couch, the stack of dishes in her kitchen sink, or how she lost it with her kids. She'll call it "keeping it real". I love that she does that and it's probably why she's the blog that I've stuck in with the longest and have to check everyday. Who wants to always read blogs that seem to be written by people who have time to accomplish amazing crafts, in houses that are never dirty, are amazingly decorated, and are inhabited by children that never fight and always wear clothes that match? Not me! I find that I start to feel quite poorly about myself. Then I have to remind myself that I'm only seeing what they are choosing to show me. It reminds me of something that I heard a MOPS speaker say once that I will never forget. "We are very good at comparing our insides to other peoples outsides." I think blogs have the potential of being a good picture of that very thing.

So, why am I going off on all this? A friend of mine said this blog is like an "ongoing Christmas card of sorts". I love that! That's kind of why I'm doing this. But I don't want it to become one of those Christmas letters that makes you want to gag because all it talks about is how great everything is. You know the ones. At the same time, I don't want it to be a total downer. What I am going to do is keep it real and part of that is being honest about the fact that I'm really struggling right now. I wrote the following in an email that I sent to a friend and I think it sums up some of my "stuff".

I think there are probably several reasons I'm in a funk. One is probably that I've just crashed and burned from all that we've been dealing with for the last two years. Which is where the exhaustion comes in. It feels like it's just been non-stop and I can't handle any more. I find myself feeling a little fearful and on edge, just waiting for the next bomb to drop, which I know is NOT from the Lord, at all. Also, it's all the change. Moving and all the adjustment that comes with it is just the straw that broke the camels back. We've been trying to cope with all the new things that have been handed to us since we moved Ron's mom to CO two years ago, and each time, before we even had a chance to wrap our brain around what we were dealing with, it would all change and we'd be dealt a new challenge. So when I would normally be excited about a move and discovering a new place, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I SO needed to be able to just hunker down where I was and deal with all we had been through. And for the very first time ever in my life, I actually wanted to stay where I was and I knew that I had people there that loved me for who I was, had walked through the valley with me, and would continue to be there as I healed and processed through it all. It absolutely baffles me as to why God would choose to take us away from that. It honestly makes me wonder if we did the right thing. On the other hand, I know we are where He wants us, and I think part of why He moved me at this time is because I have a terrible habit of running to friends when I'm hurting and not to Him. He knows that I do that. That's another part of why I'm in a funk right now. Because I keep trying to do things on my own strength, even though I know I'm totally incapable of it. I think all anybody can do for me right now is to pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to get through the day, and that I keep running to HIM and not other people or things.

There you have it. The real me at the moment. And if you stuck with me all the way to this point in the post, God bless you for your patience and thanks for letting me share.

Now, I'm off to tackle my next post which is initiated by this. Go check it out and then hold me accountable to writing it. Believe it or not I loathe writing and am having a hard time coming up with the right words for that one. Probably because it's something that I'm so passionate about and I tend to get a little preachy and defensive when I feel so strongly about something. Not really the angle I want to take.